Mike sipped his bitter and screwed his eyes half-shut. Not that it helped, Kevin’s hazy outline still oozed menace. He rubbed a tobacco-stained finger across his forehead and feigned sympathy.
Kevin jerked his head around. ‘My girlfriend. Who else? You think I shack up with a harem?’
Mike glanced around the shabby, tired-looking bar, but not even jug-ears Stan was eavesdropping. His lips curled into a sardonic smile as he took the Mickey. ‘Okay, let’s backtrack. You found this mug … I mean your family heirloom … placed strategically on the bathroom shelf under the mirror with two swans floating across the glass---’
‘Yeah, there was this stick stuck in it …’ Kevin scowled. ‘Swans––how come you know that?’
‘Natalie told me.’
Kevin seemed to tense up, one eye twitched, but he pressed on. ‘I had a sniff. Definitely urine, and this stick was like ... well ... a testing strip. It had a plus sign on it.’
Mike pursed his lips to stifle a laugh. ‘So pissing funny,’ he choked.
Kevin opened his cavern that showed two teeth missing, and downed his beer in one gulp. ‘I ain’t stupid. She’s gone and got herself up the spout.’ He stared at Mike. ‘Well, it ain’t mine, mate.’
Mike swallowed; felt his Adam’s apple jump. ‘Eh ... how’s that?’
Kevin hunched his shoulders, leaned in close. Uncomfortably close. ‘Three months ago I had the snip on the quiet ‘cause ... it’s complicated. My secret. I’m Jaffa––No. Feckin’. Sperm.’ He clenched his paw-like fist, spat out the words.
‘Your secret’s out, mate. Natalie ‘fessed up.’
Mike raised his hands. ‘Hold on ... mate…’, but the first punch hammered in…