Tiny and Dido are sitting in their shit-hole untidy apartment, discussing the World Cloud monthly comp. It is 11a.m. Tiny is wearing a string vest and Panama shorts, and Dido — for God’s sake, darling, at least put on a t-shirt. This is a family programme. Set an example to our younger viewers.
There is a titter of laughter, a few whistles, and cat-calls from the mostly-male audience.
‘Have I got it right, babe? Say it again.’
‘Start with a reunion, you jerk-off.’
‘Big word, babe.’
‘So is reunion, hon. Want me to spell it?’
‘Nah, I got this Dick-shun-entity. Here it is. Meaning like when I go and meet my mates down the Wonky Donkey. Like now.’
I think we got carried away, there, Dido. “Jerk-off” shouldn’t be accompanied by an inappropriate hand action. And I don’t care if Samantha did it in Game on. We’re PC nowadays. She did what? Really?
The audience resorts to name-calling, and the director signals for quiet.
Okay, okay, I’ll leave it in.
‘Mary’s funeral’s at three, hon. Friends I’ve not seen for ages. That will be a proper reunion.’
‘Soddin’ won’t. You said start with a reunion. And you think me staring at some wooden box for an hour while some vicar is yakkin’ about how we should all celibate…celibate..?
‘That’s right. Sink a few pints to get us in the mood.’
The director wraps up that scene. Several cans of Special-Brew are consumed. Tea is served by a lady best-suited in a boxing ring Dido’s flat-mate.
Hisses and boos from the audience. More cat-calls.
Clearly, the scene was rapturously received, and the director calls for quiet.
‘There’s more, hon.’
‘Yeah, that soppy song. What is it?’
‘You-never-did-care-about-the-little-things. But I do, hun — it’s not that small, anyway.’
‘You takin’ the piss? Because if you are, I’ll…’
‘No, wasp…fuck it. You deaf, dickhead?’
Dido explains in one word syllables that Tiny’s brain is in his tiny dick. Dido is concerned that Tiny cannot hear her properly. The furniture is moved closer, a silent clock replaces the ticking one, and a can of fly-spray is sited handily on the sideboard alongside a picture of Dido’s flat-mate. Perfect.
The audience is asked to quieten down or they will be replaced with cardboard cut-outs. Immediately. A threat that’s not taken seriously for obvious reasons. Nevertheless, there is an audible reduction in noise.
Okay, let’s get on with it.
‘A wasp landed on your head, hon.’
‘I said, DON’T MOVE. NOR SHRUG. NOR FART.’
‘Hold it. There. Got the bugger.’
At this point it should be stated that no insect got harmed in this scene. Unfortunately, this episode has been postponed until Tiny has recovered from inhaling a chemical substance contained in the bug spray. Dido has been cautioned.
The audience are shouting, “take off your shirt.” Dido repeats the hand action.
THE END. 499 words.