When Maggie May signed Article 50 in a packed House of Commons it pre-empted a nuclear holocaust across Britain, and Sir Rodney Stewart CBE regained top spot in the Euro music charts. A landmark occasion.
As for the handful of (mainly) Polish immigrants trapped underground in the recently re-opened Kellingley colliery in North Yorkshire – fittingly still awaiting a Health & Safety inspection – human communication to the outside world ceased.
Apart from a robot mole-drill tunneling towards them. No doubt, some jobsworth up top (by then, mere ashes scattered across the M 62) forgot to turn off the damn thing.
Which was also a cause of alarm, as voiced by the hastily-elected miners committee, headed by Piotr Sutcliffe:-
‘We’re in a black hole, comrades. We could be snuffed out when our somewhat polluted air runs out.’ He gestured towards the empty cage hanging from a nail in the rock where Tweetie Pie had gone tits up that morning. ‘Alternatively, the mole could reach us first but, in doing so, bury us alive with a loss of several limbs on route. Or, if we’re really unlucky, we could even overstay our welcome when our visas expire. All in all, not time to crack open the Chopin Potato with Immigration.’
‘Or we could die of malnutrition,’ said another, whose ‘gay’ demeanour did him no favours, much to his disillusionment. ‘There’s no sustainable calories in canaries, and the feathers tickled my tonsils. I vote for the vodka and the mole.’
Murmurs of righteous assent filled the cramped space.
Piotr glanced at his Sekonda. ‘Listen up. We’re not cannibals.’ He looked around at blank faces and blackened teeth. ‘Not yet, anyway.’ It was his way of saying “look after yourself at all times”, a dictum used by WBA referees.
A few hours later the consensus won as they heard a deafening screech and the drill tip blasted open the rock face.
Then it stopped.
Up top, the power had terminated, leaving the drill buried in the head of the first victim.
It took the miners fifteen days (with the ‘gay’ being wholly consumed and toasted with vodka) to dig around the mole and scramble up to safety.
Safety? Think Chernobyl.
Significant amounts of radiation resulted in a painful demise. Poor show, Britain.
‘Pity,’ said Marvellous Merkel, the EU dictator. ‘We would have taken them. But I quite liked Maggie May. And the royal family.’